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Chrono Trigger Walkthrough
A bitter, unhelpful guide to the classic SNES RPG
It wouldn't be right if I didn't point you in the direction of Some Random Guy's Final Fantasy feature. It's a bit like this, only about ten times better. I'm glad I only read recently, as had I read it before I had gotten into my own little project the temptation to rip him off would be too great. Suffice to say, somerandomguy.com is one of the most genuinely funny places on the net and is well worth a look.
For those of you who aren't familiar with the genre, RPGs are video games in which you get to pretend that you have friends and that if equipped with a sword you'd be able to do something other than swing and miss.
The first thing you'll need to do is download the emulator and the Chrono Trigger ROM. I say ROM because if you've owned the game since it was released, what, seven years ago you're hopeless. Shoo. For the emulator I recommend SNES9x. Why? We'll come to that later.
Once you've safely navigated the popups, top ten lists, sites demanding that you vote for them on there top ten list and click all their banners and all the legal gibberish that would never hold up in court -- my favorite is, "if you are a law enforcement official or an employee of one of these companies, you agree not to download anything," -- you're ready to get started. (And yes, that was all one sentence.) Well, not quite. First you have to figure out how the emulator works. You're on your own on that. I just push random buttons until it starts beeping at me.
With that out of the way, let the walkthrough begin.
Chrono Trigger starts with some gunfire and an arial view of the place. Use your emulator's fast forward button at this point. (Unless you actually play video games for the sake of the opening vistas.)
Pretty soon you'll be in a dark room and some women is waking you. Don't get your hopes up, it's just your mom. Pervert. Now get up and go downstairs. Your mom will greet you again and tell you to head off to the millenial fair. Your father isn't around because he was running an ectasy ring and the cops busted his ass. Leave.
Once outside you'll suddenly be twenty feet tall. If you like, walk into a few houses and randomly accost the strangers inside. They'll be sure to give you helpful information. Also, feel free to rifle through any chests you might find and take whatever you feel like taking.
RPGs are just like real life.
Once done with this, exit to the world map and head on over to Leene Square. Upon entering, an old guy will ask if you would like to buy some heroin. Say "no." He's really a narc. Continue on until you see a man selling "swords." His name is Melchoir, and he's got some good shit, but you can't afford any. But you can by an iron sword if you want. It's his front, so the old fart'll be happy.
Continue on. You'll see some stairs. There's a kid sitting by them, but you can ignore him. In fact, you can pretty much ignore everyone, unless you care about the "latest gossip." But be forewarned -- playing video games for the conversation puts you somewhere between Homo Habilus and a leek on the evolutionary scale.
When you go up the steps you'll bump into a ditzy blonde. She drops a pendant, which goes flying off into the middle nowhere. The collisions leaves Crono lying motionless. It looks like he's dead... So much for saving the world.
But as luck would have it, he isn't. So get up and pick up the pendant. It might be worth something. Then, if you want, have a word with the girl. If she asks for it back, say "no." And if she asks to join you, say no again just to let her know whose in charge. Then she'll ask again. Say no. Keep saying no until you either reach the brink of starvation and pass out or until you just say "screw it" and let her join. Then she'll jump up and down and say what a gentleman you are. I know what you're thinking here -- easy.
Once you're through with that ordeal, go up to the next set of stairs, where Lucca's invention is being displayed. You'll be informed that it isn't ready yet. But don't worry, there are plenty of fun things to do. First, you can go mug an effeminate robot and steal his Silver Points. Then you'll run into some guy who keeps saying "Out of my way! I need to go eat my lunch!" By which he means "I think I'll pace up and down in front of this pork chop for the entire duration of the game." Go ahead and eat the pork chop thing. Think of the starving children in China. And besides, he looks portly anyway. After that you go make fun of some whiny little girl who lost her cat. Let her find the damn thing herself. Teach the brat some initiative.
Now that you've done all these fun, fun things you can go take a look at Lucca's invention. It's a telepod. You see, instead of boasting of how she just discovered electricity, Lucca decides instead to channel it into a completely useless application that's capable only of
bringing about obvious plot twists. This is what's known as "genius."
First go talk with Lucca. She'll complain about how no one appreciates the wonder of a device that can move people three feet in a span of seconds. She is justified -- one can imagine the huge number of benefits the thing could have. Say you're standing in the kitchen and you want to move to another spot in the kitchen. You could just hop on the teleporter, call in someone from another room, instruct them to push the lever on the machine up and down vigorously for about ten seconds, and then bam, you're there.
Anyway, Crono's a pansy, and allows himself to be talked into stepping on this thing. Fortunately the background music is happy, so everything turns out okay. Then Marle decides to get on. The background changes. DAMMIT MARLE. She then dematerializes and is sucked into a void. Once again, the background music serves to remind us that this is indeed a bad thing.
There's an upside, though. She dropped her pendant, which means you can finally sell it to the old guy and score some of that Lode SworD. There's a slight hitch, though. Lucca interprets your walking over to the telepod as a sign that you'd like to be vaporized, too. That way, she reasons, you'll be able to save Marle. Taban, Lucca's father, hesitantly points out that vaporizing a second person probably won't a whole lot of good, but he cops out and agrees to zap you anyway. ("Screw this," he says. "I need to go see Melchoir.")
Fortunately this is just an RPG, so after a few hallucinations you wind up in the middle ages. (You can tell because the clouds are different.) This day is not going well. Fight a few munchkins, open a few chests, and you're back on the world map. If you want, head into some buildings. Don't talk to too many people, though, or you'll wind up contracting the bubonic plague and getting burnt as a heretic. And that's never fun.
More Plague Ahead
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